|
a one man play
by
COPYRIGHT INFO
LIGHTS – Archbishop Paul Marcinkus is kneeling stage
left on a kneeler representing the confessional. Surrounding him are lit
church candles and the like. Center stage is a desk with assorted books
and papers strewn about. A pipe and some tobacco are close at hand. A bookshelf
is nearby stage right, and noticeable on one shelf are a few bottles of
booze, some glasses, and an ice bucket.
He
is a large, burly man….very much rough around the edges. His cassock is
rumpled and frayed and this, combined with his size, give him a somewhat
sinister appearance. He is clearly a man not to be trifled with. Bless me father, for I have….(nervously clears throat) ….sinned. It’s been (noticing the audience for the first time…and addressing them)...oh. Hello. Good timing you have. Eavesdropping on the confessional was one of the things we’d joke about as young kids studying to be priests. It’s something everybody thinks about…..just like wanting to be able to sit in a chair in the back of the room at your own funeral. To take notes. It’s never too late to learn something. And this is coming from an old man. (beat…thinking about what he just said…) Well…..that’s what I was anyway. Now I’m……..(looking down at himself) this. February 20th 2006….that’s when I died. The mind was able but the flesh was weak as they say. Just turned 84. Statistically I guess it was time…..but I was never good with the numbers. So….I just ignore the unpleasantness of it all and proceed as if I’m still here. I need more time anyway….(looking around) and it looks like I’ve gotten it. (Beat. Lets this sink in. Then, excited again for
the chance to talk) But you
bow your head in there and it’s like turning on a switch that starts your
mouth, and pretty soon you’re saying things that you never intended to.
And I’m no different. As a priest I’ve got my sins too. Don’t always want
to share ‘em either…I mean…they are mine. (laughs)
"Oh", we’d say. "The time it would save in preparing the homily!" It’s
one thing to anticipate the acts of sinners. It’s another to know exactly
what they are. A good judge of the homily was the attendance at the next
scheduled confession. I’d have ‘em wrapped around the block some days.
You could get some to admit things they’d never done. The fear of God does
strange things to people. Fear is good though. It keeps you awake…and when
you’re awake nobody can sneak up on you.
(takes a moment to light up his pipe….)
(quietly, almost to himself) Better than incense…..(chuckles)
and what harm can it do me now?
But you know….we’re humans right? Or at least you still are. And you
still choose to tell God what you think is his business to know. I’vecome
to realize that maybe there’s things we’ve done that aren’t even His
business. And you know….maybe he knows everything, and then again maybe
he doesn’t. I’ve never met the man personally…see? I do plan
on it though. As soon as I can get out of……(pause…looks around) here. May I speak
in the present tense? It makes me feel more….well….alive (laughs)
As long as I’ve been out here in Sun City Arizona it seems everybody
wants to talk to me. They come knocking on my door….and I had to tell my
secretary that I wasn’t available to talk to anyone who wanted to ask me
questions. You can come to say hello. You can come on a spiritual matter.
If you’re having a crisis of faith, you can come. She’s been with me for
years now…my secretary. She knows who’s legit and who is not. I’m just
an old parish priest now, and the sun is setting. I think enough about
my past when I’m watching it go down. I don’t want to sit with somebody
else who’s thinking about my past too. Think about your own past. Right?
But I don’t think you’re here to judge me. You didn’t come knocking
on my door with a pen and paper…and I have no idea how many of you are
even Catholics really. In the old days you could tell just by looking at
someone.
No more. We blend in more. Maybe that’s a good thing. (laughs)
I don’t know.
Much has been written about me. Some of it is even true. I read it all.
Everybody likes to read about themselves. If they tell you otherwise they’re
lying. Strange though. I’m known the world over…..but I can walk down the
street anywhere in the world and not be bothered by anyone. (Beat.
Gearing up now…)
Men of God….a lot of what we’re forced to do is show business. Even
the Holy Father. Without the robe he could go to a movie if he wanted to….or
slip into a bar for a drink. But what is more impressive? Holding court
in St. Peter’s…..or in a Chicago saloon? I’m from Chicago myself….and lots
of guys hold court in bars there all over the city…but nobody listens to
them.
But with the look comes the responsibility. A while back I got a call.
One of my parishioners was dying. He needed last rights. His wife said
he was hanging on….and would hang on as long as it took me to get there.
So I jumped in my car….and I prayed. The rosary was hanging from the mirror….so
it was easy. And I got to the hospital, and his eyes were open, and he
was waiting. He smiled when I walked in. I had my collar on…so people couldn’t
do enough for me. Strange what it does…see?
I choose this vocation, and I’ve never wavered. I’ve grown in many ways
into it
(looks down at his belly…laughs). It’s very much like an
enormous set of ill fitting clothes in the beginning. As small as you are,
you always know that no matter what, you’re going to get bigger. And sooner
or later those clothes are going to fit. That collar starts off like a
loose necklace and ends up a choker (laughs). What’s the first thing
a priest does when he gets home? He takes the collar off.
But things have to be managed as well. The Church can’t be allowed
to turn into an untied shoe. Somebody has to keep it tied together. And
the man chosen to do that needs more skills than piety and fluency in different
languages. The more you get into tending to a flock that large, the more
you realize that you can’t run the church on Hail Mary’s alone. And when
I first said that everybody came down hard on me. They said that it confirmed
all the things they’d been accusing me of. But no, I’m in the simple business
of saving souls. There’s not much to it really. Rule number one is not
to lose your own in the process.
I could start in so many places…..but perhaps HUMANAE VITAE will
help you to understand the dilemma we all face. All you good Catholics
out there will know what HUMANAE VITAE is….in fact, I can see some
couples squirming a bit, so you must be the married ones. (laughs)
But I recognize that while we are great in number, we are not quite
alone. So, in the interest of fair play I’ll quote…from POPE PAUL VI in
1968……
We are obliged once more to declare that the direct interruption
of the generative process already begun and, above all, all direct abortion,
even for therapeutic reasons, are to be absolutely excluded as lawful means
of regulating the number of children. Similarly excluded is any action
which either before, at the moment of, or after sexual intercourse, is
specifically intended to prevent procreation—whether as an end or as a
means.
So…taking all that into consideration…it became somewhat difficult to
explain….by myself as head of the Vatican Bank….why the Vatican owned a
substantial amount of stock in a Pharmaceutical company that manufactured
birth control pills. (beat…allow
this to sink in)
I can tell you that even after logging many hours on my knees the answers
from above would not come…so the confusion appeared to be heavenly as well
as earthly. Such a tidy little profit we cleared though….and one could
only imagine the earthly good the Holy See could do with such a windfall.
And so the road to goodness is not possible to map out in advance. But
it can be paved with gold.
In 1958 New York Cardinal Spellman said….and I quote…
Next to Jesus Christ the greatest thing that has happened to the
Catholic Church is Bernardino Nogara.
Now that I’m here…. I would like them to bump Mr. Nogara to third place
(laughs). High praise
indeed….and for a layman still.
Nogara took over the Church’s finances at the urging of His Holiness
Pope Pius XI. With a human flock of half a billion to attend to, I’m certain
that the Holy See thought it best to leave the money changers to their
own devices.
Nogara opened the Church’s eyes to things she had never gazed on before….from
insurance to spaghetti to real estate. The Vatican even owned stock in
the company that built the Watergate Hotel…although when that became infamous
we collectively prayed…"Lord, please forgive us…we know not what we do"
(laughs).
Indeed, as I’ve said…"you can’t run the church on Hail Mary’s". Bernardino
taught us all exactly what you can run it on. Caring for souls is
free. Caring for the body, on the other hand…requires some serious cash
flow.
(goes to a desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of Scotch)
Good stuff this. Wine may represent the blood of Christ but Scotch is
more popular off the altar (laughs). If Jesus had come around later
he might have turned that water into Chivas Regal (laughs uproariously)
(pours a glass…inspects it…and says…)
Forgive me father….I know not what I do (laughs)
(he drinks)
The Vatican would have you believe that all holiness starts from Rome
and then spreads (laughs)….like somebody spilling a glass of wine
in the middle of the table. Well, I’m here to tell you that it is possible
to spill the wine in Cicero Illinois as well. The home of Al Capone might
seem an odd place to get religion……but if you think about it, what better
place is there?
My father made his living cleaning windows…..making it easier for other
people to visualize their dreams. My mother worked in a bakery….so
for us the "daily bread" meant more. Jesus might be able to create bread
by the truckload, but my mother had to bake it one loaf at a time. I had 25
cents a day…..and whatever I was gonna do I had to make do on that. Eat…bus
fare. Sometimes I’d stretch it so I could go to a ballgame or a movie.
You know..to stretch it all I had to do was not go to school (laughs).
Just a normal childhood. Dated a few girls…..but decided that playing with
fire meant you’d get burned. (laughs)
Cicero was the kind of place where every action had a consequence…..but
only if you didn’t know the right people. That’s how for 40 years
only 2 out of nearly 1000 murders were actually solved. There was something
unreal about that place….and anytime anybody from Cicero traveled outside
the town’s protective layer, it was like venturing into outer space. People
acted different. They talked different. Words that would get you off the
hook in Cicero meant little outside of it. Here I thought it was the whole
world. And in truth, it was …..for those who had no business on
the outside. But I had some deals to make…..I wanted to know more….maybe
find out why a place like Cicero was invented in the first place. There
were two ways out. Capone….or God. God seemed easier to get to know (laughs)
And don’t take this the wrong way…..but I can say now that if there
are two places that know how to keep their own secrets….they are Cicero
and the Vatican. (laughs) Of course that’s not to say that Capone
would feel equally at home in either place...but only that he’d understand
why everybody was always whispering (laughs).
I never had any problems with my studies….but I was no shining star
in the classroom either. You know….there’s more to life than cracking a
book. You need some human contact. All I ever wanted to be was a simple
parish priest. I never wanted to get involved with banking
I was ordained a priest in 1947…the year that Capone died and was given
a Catholic burial. It was said that he repented, and as a young man wrestling
with all the temptations that all young men wrestle with, knowing this
made me feel better somehow. My odds improved suddenly, if you know
what I mean.
(laughs)
In Chicago I played football. I was a bit more impressive physically
then that I am now I’m afraid……but I found the game liberating. Games are
one of His creations as well, and there are times when some hand to hand
contact is good for the soul. And there have been times since when an argument
could be won by my simply standing up from behind my desk. I confess that
the smaller the adversary, the more liable I was to use this tactic, but
then we all must stretch our legs on occasion.
I went to University in Rome….got a doctorate in Canon Law….which can
help or hinder when it comes to banking….depending on who you’re actually
working for. Hindsight is 20/20 of course….and I’ve been cursed with perfect
vision my whole life. (beat.
Takes a drink. Pauses here to take a breath)
You’ll want to talk about Pope John Paul I…right?
If not for him, you wouldn’t know me. Him dying has made me famous…or
infamous depending on your religious persuasion (laughs)
Many still say that I killed him..or at the very least ordered him killed,
as if I had the hotline to Marlon Brando. Poison is how I supposedly did
it. Of course, poisoning a pope is not uncommon….nor apparently is it very
difficult if you look through history.
I was told before I came over here that the only problem with Rome was
the Italians. I remember
a group of Italian workers one time….around Christmas. Forced to get up
from one of their 4 hour afternoon siestas and do some actual work. They
were told to clean up St. Peter’s square, so they hosed it down with water.
Only they forgot that it was late December and the place froze like a hockey
rink. You’re dealing with more piety than brains most of the time. A curious
bunch they are. You have to understand…..there are only so many top jobs
here…see? It’s not like you can simply create some patronage job for a
buddy. It’s not Chicago…and the Pope ain’t Capone. His job is harder. And
you gotta remember. God doesn’t appoint the pope. A bunch of old fussy
Cardinals with assorted axes to grind do. So you gotta play both sides
of the fence if you wanna be elected. Of course, being Italian helps (laughs)..but
we now know that non-Italians can get elected as long as they act
like an Italian (laughs)
There’s a limited number of bishops and cardinals…in the old days Leo
X used to auction off Cardinal hats when he needed an infusion of cash…..and
he never could get enough (laughs). Things are a bit more complicated
now. Not much mind you.(laughs) (getting
back on track) But
poisoning a pope…right?
You’ve
heard this prayer haven’t you? “God, grant me patience….but dammit hurry
up.”(laughs) Can I tell
you a few more? I promise not to go on like Homer…..(laughs)
Pope Alexander VI. He died of poison after having dinner with a cardinal.
It was rumored that the cardinal suspected that the Pope would try to poison
him so he switched wine glasses. Alex liked to go to parties where
prostitutes danced on the papal table….and he would raise money by killing
people and taking their land. Nobody ever said the Italians were complicated.
(laughs).
And this was all before celibacy was on the radar….and old Alex had
himself a concubine that’d make a Mormon blush (laughs)
There is a saying in the Vatican…." "He who drinks of the water in the
Vatican will die soon". You think the water in Mexico is bad. All that’ll
give you is a bad case of the runs. (laughs). Alexander was a Borgia.
You heard the saying "Tasting the cup of the Borgia"? What do you think
that meant? The "cantarella"….that was the name of their special concoction.
Even chemists today can’t figure it out. Worked like a charm though. They
could give you a dose that’d kill you instantly….or one that would kill
you slow…in a few days. And when Alexander was tricked into drinking his
own brew….well…his corpse grew so blackened and bloated from the poison
that they couldn’t get the coffin shut until a bunch of guys sat on it……like
when we over pack a suitcase for a trip. (laughs). Now how am I
gonna compete with that (laughs)
Leo X supposed first words as pope were…"now I can really enjoy
myself…" But his people tried to kill him too I’m afraid….by inserting
poison in the papal orifice during a hemorrhoid operation. The Holy Spirit
has thankfully come a long way since then.
There’s not much gray area here….I mean…..once you get inside. People
are either with you, or against you….and everybody is afraid of everybody
else. Poor Clement XIV was so terrified of the Jesuits that he stopped
kissing the feet of the cross in the Vatican ‘cause he was sure that the
Jesuits put poison on them. I’m afraid of the Jesuits too….but I never
went that far. Interesting bunch….see?
So it was all there….laid out. I was just another in a long line.
It’s a village….see? But it’s like a village of washerwomen. They get
down in the river, wash clothes, punch ‘em, dance on ‘em, squeezing all
the old dirt out. In normal life, people have other interests? Here….what
else do they have to talk about? I had the greatest secretary back in Chicago.
Want to know why? Because at 5 O’clock she’d pick up her purse and be gone.
She never gave it a second thought when she was off the clock. But
the Vatican? They’re never off the clock there. What else do they have
to do?
And I show up. And I’m not a grizzled little old dwarf like some of
these Italians. I’ve got my cigar, and compared to them I look like some
sort of giant. They sip their wine, and I like my shots of whiskey. Who’s
got time for wine?
And I’m an American, which makes me guilty by association immediately.
And they start calling me the "gorilla".
Want to know where that started? Well, Paul VI came to Chicago…and these
guys had no idea about security. They figured that he’d walk through crowds
and they’d part like the Red Sea. Well, Chicago wanted to see the
man, you know?…and they started clustering around, until he got hemmed
in this crowd…and nobody did anything. I mean, they were all standing there
blessing themselves or something. So I just kinda dove in and started moving
people. I mean…..the Lord will provide…..but please. You have to
get off your ass every once in a while to give Him a hand.
Let me tell you something else that might explain it better. The Pope
came to the US and said mass at Yankee stadium. Yankee Stadium.
And some of our people were actually upset that the security guards had
their back to the pope. They thought that it was disrespectful. (shakes
his head in bewilderment) That’s
the mentality I’m dealing with. They’d
get the seating chart of some of the planned events and start complaining
‘cause they weren’t sitting close enough to the Pope…that kind of thing.
It was all about appearances. It was like traveling with a bunch of hairdressers.
You see the Pope everyday. Let the local bishop sit next to him
when he comes to town….for God’s sake. You see what I’m saying? But they
didn’t like that. A friend told me once that I was the only person he knew
that would say no to a cardinal (laughs)….which would certainly
explain why I never became one.
No winning popularity contests there. A Cardinal has got a memory like
an elephant. Ever hear that one? (laughs)
But, I’ve lived a comfortable life. Maybe too comfortable…but who can
tell that? Judge not lest ye be judged? Remember that one? Lotta memory
lapses in Rome.
I like my golf…my tennis. I like to do physical things….you sit in an
office all day long and you get groggy. Physical things take the badness
out of me. It’s like a sort of baptism in a way. A cleansing of the spirit.
You know…it’s so easy to say….."lets all live in poverty". But there
are 2 poverty’s really. There’s poverty of the spirit….using your money
only as a means…and then there’s the sort of poverty where you have nothing…..destitution.
That’s not the sort of poverty that the Lord teaches about. He doesn’t
say…."don’t go golfing…….you should be working in a leper colony instead"…no,
he says to get your own house in order…do what you need to replenish your
spiritual side. You know, it’s hard to be spiritual when you’re hungry
and don’t have shoes on your feet. You can take things too far…see?
(beat. Aware of his tangent…wanting to get back on track) But…Papa
Luciani. Pope Paul I
Why would anybody want to kill a pope? And Luciani especially. There
was an innocence about him….almost like a child. He shuffled when he walked….like
a kid rubbing his socks on the carpet to give you one of them static shocks.
Paul VI had been in the Curia for over 30 years…see? He knew his way
around. He knew the way the place worked. He knew were everything was.
He knew where the bodies were buried (laughs) And even with all
that….it took him what? 6…8 months to get his bearings? And now Luciani
comes out of Venice…..a small diocese. You could run it on a part time
basis. That’s how small it was. And now he’s in charge of 1 billion souls.
Overnight! He doesn’t even know where his office is. He doesn’t
know what the secretary of state does. He can’t go to the bathroom
without people following him. He was a very simple man. A holy man…..but
a simple one. In way over his head. He looked so young and fresh….and in
a matter of weeks he’d turned into an old man.
And they start bringing him papers…."here, go through these….sign these….read
this". He didn’t even know where to start. In Venice he could get up and
go out….go for a walk, take a nap…..talk to the people…smell the flowers.
But here….he’s locked in. He can’t get out. The paper is piling up. And
they always called him the "smiling Pope"…..but I’ll tell you, that was
a very nervous smile.
And his health……nobody knew it but it wasn’t very good to start with,
and now with all this stress. Divine Providence? Maybe. I can see how it
can happen. I mean….the stress of the whole thing was overwhelming. It
killed him. And every day you pick up the paper and people are dying. Did
somebody kill them? I mean…when the Lord wants you….he takes you.
There’s no negotiating. In that way….our Lord is very dictatorial (laughs).
And so they didn’t do an autopsy? Well, they never do an autopsy
on a Pope.
In the old days…a dead pope….they used to hit him on the head with a
silver hammer to see if he was dead. Well, if he wasn’t dead….this guy
woulda killed him…you know? In the bad old days (laughs uproariously).
"Hey there! (bangs his fist down on a desk…"bang"). Are you
dead?" (laughs)
There was all this nonsense about him getting rid of me. I went so see
John Paul a few days before he died and he was very kind with me. He thanked
me for all the work I’d been doing and asked me to stay on. Funny way to
fire a guy…..(laughs) But still, there were whispers. What am I
supposed to do about it? Jump off a cliff? I’ve got a job to do. See…I
come from the States. The Italians have a different way of doing things
over there. They’ll smile you to death. You don’t know whether they’re
praying for you or plotting against you. They rarely tip their hand. Me…I
call a spade a spade….and it’s always gotten me into trouble.
And sometimes I’ll go out with friends….and people will stare across
the room at me…you know… (whispers) "it’s him…it’s him"…and I’ll
go over and ask them if they want my autograph. (laughs). People
are gonna believe what they wanna believe. I know what and who is in my
heart.
I never asked for a thing. I never asked for the job at the Vatican
Bank. I never refused a job either. That’s not my place. I can say that
I don’t feel competent to do a job, but that’s as far as it goes. And when
they offered the bank….I told them straight out…"you must be out of your
minds!". I mean….my only experience with money was the Sunday collection
plate. (laughs)…..not that I wasn’t good at counting that (laughs)…but
this is a bit different. I went off to New York for a few days….to see
how banking worked. I actually spent one day in a small local bank seeing
how the entire process worked. I had no idea. I was talking to the tellers….asking
them what they did. It was crazy. But really…..how
much do you need to know?
I’ve always had organizational talents…..and they knew it once I started
planning papal trips. I mean….some of these old timers can’t even dress
themselves and now they gotta start thinking about airports and hotels
and missing luggage. God doesn’t find your luggage. I do…see? And so they
figured I could do some of the same things over at the Bank. Organize things.
(peering into the audience intently)
This is turning into quite the confessional. Maybe I should pause a
bit and rest. I feel like a bottle with the cork pulled out. Leave the
bottle out long enough and it gets flat. Speaking
of which
(goes over to fill up his scotch, but realizes the bottle is
now empty)…. (showing
the empty to the audience) Well…..whadda
we got here? A dead apsosle. (pause) If you
give me a few minutes I’ll find a live one and continue. (starts
to walk offstage) Talk
amongst yourselves…please. I won’t be long...
Lights
End
of Act I
Act II LIGHTS
– Archbishop Paul Marcinkus shuffles back onstage, proudly holding aloft
a fresh bottle of Scotch. He reaches the bar area and pours himself a drink. You’re
still here? Good. I hate to drink alone. It’s an
interesting thing….to have my kind of faith. It’s different than most I
think. Faith is nothing more than self confidence. If you have doubts…then
by definition you’ve lost faith. What I learned in Chicago was that doubts
are weakness……like cracks in the foundation. When a married couple would
come to see me…for counseling….and they started asking for some sort of
divine catholic intervention to save the marriage….well, it’s too late.
That’s not what faith is. If you’ve simply dumped your baggage at the Lord’s
feet….he’s not gonna pick it up for you. He had to do that once with the
cross….and it wasn’t too pleasant. I mean….he saved us already….see? Why
are you asking Him to do it again?
And see….that’s the problem. Even in the Vatican….even Pope John Paul…..they’d
lay their doubts out like fine china at a dinner table. Luciani would walk
around all day praying….actually praying….for God to take him. He
didn’t want to be here anymore…see? In Chicago….priests are praying
for da Bears. In the Vatican they’re praying to be dead. There’s quite
a gulf there….and it’s no wonder that I never really fit in. (another
beat here……change of subject)
I suppose we gotta talk about the money some. Money makes people go
mad. The root of all evil. Go through history and you’ll find that when
you peel all the outer layers away….power, prestige, whatever….what’s left
is the green. But I’ve been thinking. You tell me what a priest like me
is gonna do with all this money I supposedly stole? I should be jet skiing
in the Bahamas right about now instead of getting up at 6 in the morning
to say mass to 5 people. But it’s how I stole all this money that
you’ll want to hear about…yes? Can there be anything more dull to talk
about than banking? I’ll try to liven things up a bit. This won’t take
long though….not like one of my sermons (laughs)
(takes a drink…) …always helps me get through this part (laughs) The Vatican
Bank is a service organization for the Church. But it also handles the
finances of the 8000 Vatican employees and their families. Now when they
retire they expect a pension…see? They may be devout Catholic folks….but
they’re not gonna let me pay ‘em in rosary beads…you know what I mean?
They want their money. You see what I’m getting at? And the Church…..it’s
made of bricks right? Well, I ain’t no bricklayer. So, we gotta go out
and hire one. And then he’s got employees too…and they all expect a pension.
If one of ‘em bangs their head on a church pew….we gotta pay the bill for
that. The Holy Spirit provides lots of things…but he doesn’t deal with
Health Insurance. And at the end of the year….whatever money we have coming
in gets funneled back into the church. This is not an ordinary bank. I
told my employees that all the time. It’s not the First National of Des
Moines. There if they have a good year, the president gets a Cadillac.
That’s not the way things work here.
So what we do is take the money in the bank…and invest it…..safe investments
mostly. But sometimes….we make mistakes. Sometimes you end of trusting
folks you should not have trusted. That can happen anywhere….but in Italy?
Seems like everybody that comes walking through the door wearing a nice
suit has got Mafia ties if you dig deep enough. And I can’t ask for a dossier
on everyone that comes into my office. In Italy? Are you kidding?
So we get into business with this bank from Milan. This guy has a great
reputation in the banking community. For years you had to show a baptismal
certificate to even open an account there…so you know you’re dealing with
the faithful.
Everybody at the Vatican was high on him. What am I supposed to do?
He looked OK to me. He gave me his word…..and if you give me that
I’ll take it from you. And then this guy gets thrown in jail….and I start
screaming…you know…"what the hell is going on here?". And they say to me…."don’t
worry. If you don’t get caught, that just means you’re not worth anything."
I mean….it’s a different world over there. And so we help him
some…take care of his things until he can get out. That sort of thing.
And then he gets out and it’s business as usual. In Italy going to jail
is like going to the corner to get cigarettes.
And I have to tell you….the money was coming in. You see that, and maybe
you turn your head some. I don’t know. I’d like to be able to sit here
and tell you that I didn’t get excited looking at the numbers going up.
It’s like a game after a while. You forget you’re dealing with real dollars.
It’s like a whirlpool and it’s easy to get swept up in it. But it’s like
we’re not supposed to be good at this sort of thing…see? We’re supposed
to be pious…pure….impoverished somehow. And yet….when John Paul II wants
50 million dollars sent in secret to Solidarity in Poland….well….where
does he expect he’s getting it from? I don’t have it in my desk. So there’s
some hypocrisy there. Cue the
lightning strike here….right? Don’t worry, you’re safe with me. (laughs)
And finally…the bubble burst….like all bubbles eventually do. And this
bank we’re dealing with is now 1.3 billion in the hole. That’s “billion”
with a “B”. And everybody follows the paper trail…and sees the Vatican
Bank name all over the place. I’m telling you….everybody ran for cover.
And here I am left holding the public relations bag. All we did was try
to help the guy….and later they find him hanging underneath a bridge in
London with his pockets stuffed with bricks. And then some paid off coroner
says…"well, it looks like a suicide". A suicide?! It was like gas on the
flames. When I kill myself, I’m gonna make sure I stuff my pockets full
of bricks first (laughs). I don’t like to take the name of the Lord
in vain…but Jesus Christ! (laughs)
I mean….what next? The mob got him. Everybody knew that. But in Italy
nobody gave a damn about the mob anymore. It’s like writing about the Democrats
around here. But now they had this Vatican angle. And who was running the
Vatican Bank? And so now I become the mob priest…laundering mob money.
They say I got Swiss bank accounts…..piles of cash buried everywhere. All
kinds of things. And I look the part. Dark eyes. Big. Nice guinea last
name (laughs).
And so they’re telling everybody who’ll listen that they don’t have
any money..which isn’t true of course. They own about half a billion dollars
in real estate
alone…not to mention that art collection that they keep
buried for a rainy day…but anyway….now they’re offering to pay a quarter
of a billion dollars that they don’t have to pay?
And what about me? I’m the face of all this now..lining my own pockets
of course. And the Italians all figure that now is the perfect time to
get rid of me….the press is murderous. And then Luciani becomes Pope….and
of course I had to kill him because he was gonna do me in. He was gonna
take away my jet skis (laughs)
(beat
here. Maybe take a sip of scotch…or even sit down for a bit)
There’s a certain power to the priesthood. I can put on street clothes…and
go downtown…..and nobody pays any attention. Put on my black suit though….with
the nice white collar….and it’s "Hello father…..how are you father…." People
that are rude to everyone else aren’t rude to you. And who wouldn’t like
that? So the collar is almost like protection from the real world. As long
as you’re wearing it…..you don’t get to see everything. And who wants to
see everything? Not me…that’s for sure.
But we feel like…in certain ways….we have to earn it. We have
to be holier. That’s what celibacy is all about. We have to keep that arms
length away. And if you can do that…keep the flock away….they’ll treat
you different. They won’t hold you to the same standards….because you’re
different than them. Holier. Better.
You know me a bit by now. Do you think I’m holier than you? (laughs)
I choose this life, and I do the best I can with what God gave me. But
I wasn’t born with this halo…(laughs)
We’re human, and one thing humans have in common is the innate ability
to act like asses. And sometimes it’s easier to act like an ass when you’re
surrounded by other people acting like asses. It becomes contagious…the
mob mentality. And by and large, I’ve discovered that people act like asses
when they are attempting to hide something.
From the top to the bottom…it’s always…."what will people say…what will
people say". Let me tell you what they’ll say. They’ll call you a pack
of hypocrites when the story gets out. And if history has taught us anything,
it’s that the story always gets out. It’s like wearing a rubber
band around your wrist….it might last a week…it might last a year…but it’s
gonna break…see?
And so in trying so hard to appear holier than hell……we end up
acting anything but. See?
So how does this all fit in?
Well….the pope dies sometime in the middle of the night. And nobody
knows it but it’s his custom for a nun to drop off coffee for him every
morning. So it’s a nun who finds him dead….in bed.
Well…can’t you just see where I’m going with this? For a group that
swears off sex, sometimes it seems like we don’t think about anything else.
A nun in the papal bedroom? These old timers are scandalized….what will
the faithful say? So they immediately put their small heads together and
change the story…..saying it was one of the male secretaries who found
him. Only the Pope has got 2 make secretaries….and pretty soon both
of them are claiming to have found him. You should have seen these two
guys! They’d sit on either side of the pope eyeballing each other……like
2 little girls sitting next to the captain of the football team. People
started calling them the Pope’s "widows" (laughs)
And Luciani is standing up talking to the faithful about Pinocchio and
how there’s more "mother" than "father" in the Lord. And everybody is thinking….."these
guys ain’t gonna last long" (laughs). I’m telling you….you need
thick skin here. One guy told me that he thought the Holy Spirit did a
good job getting rid of Luciani before he could do some real damage.
Anyway…where was I? Ah yes…..the bedroom……well, they neglect to tell
the little old nun that what they’re up to…and she’s going around telling
everybody the actual truth…that she found the body. And the
press is writing that half the Vatican is claiming that they found the
dead pope. Can’t you just see Oliver Stone salivating? And that caused
the whole thing? See?
And even something little…inconsequential. They say he died in bed,
reading something. God knows what it was now……they’ve said that he was
clutching a list of people he was gonna replace…he was gonna make all these
sweeping changes….clean up the church!….and of course my name was on the
list. Nonsense. He didn’t even know where the Vatican Bank was. One
time he was walking around the gardens on the roof and the notes to his
sermon got blown out of his hand into the courtyard….and instead of getting
off his ass to get them he goes back to his room and curls up on the bed
and starts to cry. This guy is gonna change the church? I could have loaded
the bank vault into my car and he wouldn’t have noticed.
But you know what the Italian boys did? They figure…"well, he was the
Pope…so he’s gotta be reading something popely (laughs)….so tell
everyone he was reading Imitation of Christ." The guy was probably
reading the funny papers…you know? But soon it goes out on the wire….and
somebody says…."no, he wasn’t reading a book, he was writing a sermon"….and
then nobody could produce this Imitation of Christ book that they
said he was reading…turns out there wasn’t a copy in the entire Vatican
anywhere…..and again, the whispers started…you know….."they’re lying about
who found him…and now they’re even lying about what he was reading." I
mean…give these guys a rope and all they’ll know how to do with it is tie
a noose.
And so now with all this whispering going on somebody mentions that
they see me hanging around the Vatican awfully early in the morning. You
know….like I’m lurking around the courtyard with blood on my hands or something.
Well, I hate to break the news….but I worked at the Vatican…remember?…which
to me at least is a pretty good reason for being there. I didn’t live there….so
I had a 20 minute drive every morning, and I liked to get into the office
early. Beat the traffic. Read the paper.
And I get out of my car and a member of the Swiss guard comes over…and
he was talking real fast and I thought he said "I had a dream that the
Pope was dead"..and I told him that he shouldn’t say things like that….and
then he said…"no, look at the flag at half mast"…and right then I knew. (Beat.
Silent for a time. Affected by this some…)
You know…..I don’t have many friends. In this business….they’re hard
to come by. Remember what Lincoln said…."there’s too many pigs for the
tits"…(laughs). You gotta keep your own counsel. You never know
who might be listening in. There’s more hidden doors in that place than
a Cicero speakeasy (laughs).
Let me tell you something. The car I drove in Rome was 13 years old.
This thing looked like one of Mussolini’s tanks…and probably got the same
gas mileage. You know…what do I care? It’s a stupid car.
But then one day the Vatican car pool gets a new Peugeot….and they ask
me to try it out. So I drive it around the Vatican for a few days….trying
it out. And everywhere I go people are saying…"hey, look who’s got a new
car"….you know, snickering. And then the next day I’m driving my tank again….and
they look positively crestfallen when they find out that they were wrong…..that
I didn’t get a new car at all. See?
(suddenly weary) You know…maybe I haven’t been nearly ambitious
enough. Maybe that’s my problem. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t be in the mess
I’m in now.
And the new Pope….John Paul II. You should have seen the Italians when
he was voted in. They all looked like somebody peed in their wine! Oh,
they hated him. A Foreigner! Are you kidding me? Their guy…the number one
Italian contender….I can’t even remember his name now…..the great white
hope….he’d been slimming down….cutting down on the linguini so he’d look
good in the pope cassock…..and he doesn’t get in. And then he goes and
dies from disappointment. (laughs)
But it turns out that they were pretty happy with JP II. He hated communists
and condoms….just like the old Italians…..so what’s not to like…see? (laughs)
Think about it? Why do you think they picked me? What do I represent?
That’s the important question here….not so much what or who I am.
For the Vatican….I’m the guy from Chicago that can talk the people’s
language. I mean….it took ‘em a thousand years to stop speaking Latin for
Christ sake…so you gotta cut ‘em some slack. (laughs)
I had the whole office cracking up one day when Mother Teresa was waiting
in the lobby to see me and I said out loud…”great….I bet this is gonna
cost me a million bucks”. (laughs) See? You gotten loosen things
up sometimes. I’m the
guy that can walk outside the place and deal with people on their own terms.
I can belt a golf ball a mile….grab a beer and a dog and teach you some
curse words. Call me the ugly American…..call me whatever you want….nobody
wants to get their hands dirty. The dirty work needs to get done
though…the world revolves around it….so they ask me to do it. And then
they hate me for it….but when I come bearing gifts…you bet your ass they’ll
take ‘em. They may not take ‘em in front of the congregation…but they’ll
meet me at the back door…see?
And from the inside….I represent the walls closing in. Rome is burning…you
know? You can walk around with your rosary inside these walls all you want….but
you ain’t gonna stop the flames. So they’ll send me out….you know….saying
"find out what it is they want". And I’ll report back and tell ‘em…and
they’ll say…"oh…well, we can’t give them that." (laughs)
We’re like animals in the zoo at the Vatican…..and when you looked at
us from the outside….well…you could stare and watch us devour one another.
They kept building more and more on the outside….higher and higher…and
pretty soon our walls and guards and gates couldn’t keep things out anymore.
We became like the last holdout. Back in Chicago when I was a pastor
they wanted to build a big department store in this rundown neighborhood…..but
there were some old homes in the way. So they bought out everybody except
for this one little 75 year old Italian guy. He refused to move. So they
had to build the thing around him. He sat there day after day surrounded
by dirt and rocks and parking lots. They kept waiting for the guy to die…but
he wouldn’t. He lived to spite ‘em. Stubborn bastard he was. Member of
my parish. Only a Catholic would do that (laughs).
I’ve tried to reconcile the old with the new….I’ve served 3 popes….and
done what I was told. I blessed myself with one hand and counted their
money with the other. Hey, I call a spade a spade. Spreading God’s word
helps some….don’t get me wrong, but spreading his money will make true
believers out of ‘em. You can’t eat prayers. And there’s something in there
that makes people nervous…..and right in the middle….there’s me. (Beat.
Takes a drink)
And some want to put a face on that gray area. So they wanted to arrest
me. They couldn’t ‘cause I had Vatican diplomatic immunity….but they fought
that every day….but just like that old Italian in Chicago….I outlasted
‘em. Right before the warrant was issued, I told the press "I may be a
lousy banker…but at least I’m not in jail." I should have kept quiet.(laughs)
And I’m sitting here now…wondering what all the fuss is about. I mean….I’m
just a simple parish priest. I sleep good. I always sleep good. But now…..(looks
around)….I can’t sleep. Ironic isn’t it? (laughs)
You want to arrest me? You gonna put me on trial for making money for
my church? For poisoning a guy who walked around all day begging God
to kill him? The same ones who built me up….now they want to tear me down?
Jesus might have chased the money changers from the temple….but he might
never have made it past the Swiss guard to get into the Vatican.
All I ever wanted to do was be a priest. But that’s not possible anymore.
You have to be more than that. I guess that’s progress…..but you know….if
it is?….maybe them old timers ain’t so bad after all. Don’t tell ‘em I
said that though. (laughs)
Catholics don’t have much of a memory….so by the time I got here I was
just an old priest sitting in the sun. Stayed to myself mostly…filling
in here or there when they needed me. There’s other old timers out here…some
Vatican survivors…..and we’ll get together and talk some. And we were talking
one day and somebody asked…"what’s the worst thing anybody ever said about
you?"
And I remember not wanting to answer…but I finally did. A few days after
Luciani died, somebody came up to me and said that I had no soul. If he
had called me an asshole…I would have punched him out…..but he didn’t.
He said I had no soul. Then he turned and walked away.
(quiet for a long time…..even slightly emotional)
How do you answer that? I’ve spent all these years looking to it…searching
it….and now you tell me that it’s not even there? Is that what blind faith
does to you?
(quiet again)
I’ve lived a life of prayer. But it seems to me now…..I don’t know…maybe
I should have paid more attention to the things I prayed for.
But it’s getting late….and I still haven’t had my confession. So if
you’ll excuse me…
(kneels down in the "confessional")
You’re probably wondering if I’m going to tell Him the same things I’ve
told you? To tell you the truth, I’m wondering the same thing myself. But
I never know what I’m gonna say until I get here…. (referring
to the kneeler) Been wearing
this thing out. No rest for the departed…right? You think
the work is over when you go…..but it goes on. I’ve had to work for everything
I’ve gotten. I’ll work
for this too.
(kneeling…blesses himself)
Lights…slow fade |
