NIXON: Henry….come in…come in.

KISSINGER: It’s time Mr. President.

NIXON:Already?

KISSINGER: Yes sir.

NIXON: Is the press downstairs?

KISSINGER: Yes sir. Your family is waiting for you. But before we go down there’s one thing….

NIXON: (interrupting him) This is my favorite room in the White House….do you know that Henry?

KISSINGER: Sir, I….

NIXON: (continuing) The Lincoln room. It’s haunted you know Henry. 

KISSINGER: Sir?

NIXON: I’ve spoken to Lincoln in here. If there’s one person who understands what Nixon is up against, it’s Abe. You agree?

KISSINGER: Yes sir…he sure would understand.

NIXON: He tried to keep the country from splitting Henry. There were enemies everywhere. He was so strong that they couldn’t even kill him. They killed Kennedy and it stopped him in his tracks. They only cried ‘cause he was pretty and looked good on TV. Lincoln beat the bastards Henry. He beat them.

KISSINGER: (nervously) Sir, what exactly have you and Mr. Lincoln talked about?

NIXON: Now that’s classified Henry. If I tell you it’ll be in the Post and the Times by morning.

KISSINGER: (indignant) Sir, I resent the implication that I leak…..

NIXON: Relax Henry. (moving on) You know…..in 68 we had big plans. I was thinking that maybe someday a President would be sitting in the Nixon room.

KISSINGER: Er….well….you never know sir.

NIXON: You’re a supreme ass kisser…..do you know that Henry?

KISSINGER: Only when it’s in my best interest sir. Sir, before we go downstairs, you have to write out a letter or resignation and sign it.

NIXON: Oh…..who do I write it out to?

KISSINGER: Me Mr. President.

NIXON: You? 

KISSINGER: Yes Sir….the constitution…..the legality of the whole thing.

NIXON: Funny time to be thinking about legalities now isn’t it Henry?

KISSINGER: I guess we have to pay attention to them sometime Mr. President.

NIXON: You’ve always had impeccable timing Henry.

KISSINGER: Thank you sir.

NIXON: So if I turn in my letter of resignation to you…..you could refuse it?

KISSINGER: Sir?

NIXON: Henry, you must have come barging into the Oval Office 50 times over the years threatening to resign. You always sounded like one of Pat’s hair dressers.

KISSINGER: (uncomfortable) Sir, I was simply standing up for what…

NIXON: (cutting him off) Henry, I never accepted your resignation. Maybe it’s time you return the favor and not accept mine. There’s so much more to do…and tell me who is gonna do it Henry?

KISSINGER: Sir, I think the situation we’re in now is a bit different that what…

NIXON: (cuts him off) Yes…I know Henry I know. (quiet for a time) It’s a good job you know? I hate to lose it. Pay’s not very good but the benefits are tremendous. Good food. Good wine. Henry…did you ever notice at State dinners how the wine they poured for me always had a towel over the label? That’s because I was drinking the good French stuff and giving all of you the cheap stuff.

KISSINGER: One of the perks of the job Sir. Of course I knew all along…

NIXON: Bug the kitchen did you Henry? I wouldn’t put it past you. You’re a devious bastard.

KISSINGER: Sir, we really should go….

NIXON: Henry….before we go, will you join me in a prayer?

KISSINGER: Sir….I….

NIXON: Don’t be too proud Henry.

KISSINGER: No sir…it’s just that I don’t want to wrinkle the suit. Camera’s are downstairs waiting….I assume you want to kneel down?

NIXON: That’s generally how us Quakers pray. Do Jews pray standing up Henry?

KISSINGER: No sir.

(the both kneel down)

NIXON: Buy a new suit just for me Henry? I’m touched.

KISSINGER: Sir…the taping system….it’s shut off in here?

NIXON: Yes Henry. You may be somewhat familiar with the trouble it has caused me.

KISSINGER: Sir I was just checking.

NIXON: Wouldn’t want this to get out…right Henry? I won’t tell if you won’t.

KISSINGER: It’s a deal sir. Sir…what exactly are we praying for?

NIXON: Shut up Henry.

KISSINGER: Yes sir

(after a few moments of silence…..Nixon stands….and Kissinger follows)

NIXON: Henry, I had the world in my grasp. China. The Soviets. I ended the war. How did we end up here?

KISSINGER: Sir, it is not your fault. The liberal media latched on to this insignificant break in and….

NIXON: (interrupting him) I know it’s not my fault. (long pause) I could blame you I suppose.

KISSINGER: Sir? 

NIXON: I remember that day in my office after the Pentagon Papers were leaked. (imitating Kissinger’s German accent) “Mr. President they will call you a veakling…a veakling Mr. President”. You got my manhood involved Henry. I’m the son of a failed grocer from Whittier California Henry. All my life people have been sticking it to me…reminding me that I’m not Jack Kennedy. I didn’t go to the right schools….didn’t have the right look.

KISSINGER: Sir, national security was at stake!

NIXON: Oh shut up Henry. National security my ass. Our problem is we’re too much alike Henry. A President should surround himself with people who are strong in areas where he is weak. We both see the big picture Henry….but could never keep our eyes off the booby prize. We both think the other is crazy.

KISSINGER: We may both be right sir.

NIXON: Screw it. Lets have one last drink Henry. Keep the bastards waiting. Loosen up. Sit down….you won’t get wrinkled. I’ll let you drink the expensive stuff just this one time.

(he gets a drinks for them both)

KISSINGER: Sir, you’re telling me to relax? You know….in all our time together, I’ve never even seen you with your coat unbuttoned.

NIXON: Never let ‘em see you relax Henry. Unbutton and the guard comes down.

KISSINGER: Sir, even in San Clemente when you were walking the beach for a photo op you’d wear your wing tips. Somebody yelled for you to test the water and you put your shoe in.

NIXON: My Dad would wear his bloody apron from the store at the dinner table. Wouldn’t take it off. Said he wasn’t ashamed of the way he earned his money. Can you believe that his boy became President of the United States? I was never ashamed of where I came from Henry. The work is what’s important. The rest is raindrops…..(they are both silent for a time) You warm Henry?…..cold?

KISSINGER: I’m fine Mr. President.

NIXON: You gotta control everything Henry…or else it can get away from you. That’s why I always have the air conditioner on in here…..and the fireplace blazing at the same time. One cancels out the other….and I can control it. 

KISSINGER: Yes sir…it’s very comfortable in here.

NIXON: Henry….you’ve gotten laid pretty regularly since we’ve been in the White House haven’t you?

KISSINGER: Sir?

NIXON: Now Henry….don’t be shy. We tapped your phones too you know.

KISSINGER: Sir, I…

NIXON: What’s your secret Henry? I mean….look at you. You ain’t no Jack Kennedy…that’s for sure.

KISSINGER: I guess women love power as much as we do Mr. President….and if they can’t have it they like to lay next to someone who does.

NIXON: Even an ugly Jew like you?

KISSINGER: The most powerful ugly Jew in the country sir.

NIXON: Well I’m more powerful that you Henry…

KISSINGER: Not after today sir.

NIXON: Don’t rub it in Henry.

KISSINGER: Sorry sir.

NIXON: I haven’t had a good lay in years Henry. Mrs. Nixon and I….well…

KISSINGER: Maybe if you’d take your wingtips off sir…

(they both laugh)

NIXON: I’ll keep that in mind Henry. Tell me something Henry. Who do you trust? 

KISSINGER: I trust myself Mr. President.

NIXON: Anyone else?

KISSINGER: No sir. Not really.

NIXON: It’s hard to live like that Henry. It’s like being in a submarine that’s sinking in the sea. Going down….down….down….until the pressure just crushes it.

KISSINGER: But sir…..the good stuff is at the bottom of the sea. Any fool can ride around on the surface. Everybody’s got the same view from there. We saw things that nobody else could see. Maybe that’s enough…..maybe history will judge us on that someday.

NIXON: History is not going to remember China…or the Soviet Union. Someday they are gonna hear those tapes Henry. They’re gonna hear me…and they’re gonna hear you. And all we’ve done is gonna be wiped away like dirt off a table.

KISSINGER: Sir, there is nothing I have done that I am ashamed of! I have always…

NIXON: (interrupting him) No Henry? You think with me going downstairs it gets you off the hook? You’re like a circus performer Henry. Straddling that high wire. Some people can watch…and others can’t…..they avert their eyes so they’ll miss the fall. You’ve got that Harvard veneer Henry…so you’ll last longer than most….but they’ll come for you boy. It’s only a matter of time.

KISSINGER: (suddenly very nervous) Sir….why didn’t you burn the tapes?

NIXON: It’s all like a dream Henry. I lost 2 brothers to tuberculosis….and when Harold died….and only then…..did my Mother say I could go to law school. They could afford it then. It was like I was being handed the reins Henry. My old man never got one break in this world. It was like God was taunting him. He sold his Lemon ranch…and a few weeks later the guy who bought it found oil on it and got rich. The old man never complained. He just worked. And he worked himself to death…and when he died I know he felt like somebody owed him something. But he was too damn proud to say it. So he died the way he lived. Quietly. And he never told me I had to go out and make something of myself. He never told me I had to be a lawyer or a politician. He just told me I had to work hard….and well…..I figured that the reason he never made anything of himself was that he didn’t work hard enough. So I decided I was gonna outwork ‘em all. I might not be able to outsmart you Ivy League pansy’s Henry….but I can work your ass into the ground.

KISSINGER: Yes sir.

NIXON: Without the tapes….how can I prove that any of this was real? Tell me Henry.

KISSINGER: Sir, I can assure you that all of this was real.

NIXON: Well Henry….I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anybody.

KISSINGER: Sir….we really need to get downstairs.

NIXON: Ok…let me write this letter for you Henry. You can put it in your scrapbook.

(gets a pen and paper and writes a short few sentences…hands it to Henry)

KISSINGER: (reading it)

Dear Mr Secretary,

I hereby resign the office of President of the United States.

So (stops here….not wanting to say the curse word, so instead he simply says…) F-Off.

Richard Nixon

It’s fine sir. Eloquent to the last.

NIXON: (enjoying his discomfort) F-off Henry? That doesn’t sound like something Nixon would write.

KISSINGER: No sir….I just didn’t want to say…you know…that word.

NIXON: I’ll bet the Cambodians would love to see this side of you Henry.

KISSINGER: I bet they would too Sir.

NIXON: I was just thinking Henry. My proudest moment in the Oval Office. It was a friend of the family who came to see me. He was old…..had a nurse with him. Friend of my father’s from Whittier. Probably 85 years old. Maybe 90. And I called the White House photographer in to get a picture….and this man wanted to stand up next to his President for the picture…..so his nurse started over towards us with his cane…..and I stopped her and said…”he doesn’t need that damn thing”….and I picked him up and held him in place…standing…..and we had our picture taken. Presidents can do those kinds of things Henry. All I ever wanted was to win one more than I lost. That’s a successful man isn’t it Henry?

(he drinks…and it silent for a minute before speaking again of his Father)

I let him down Henry. I let him down. That’s what I have to live with now.

KISSINGER: Sir….do you want me to appear with you downstairs?

NIXON: No Henry. I don’t need you anymore.

(Nixon walks off…leaving Kissinger alone onstage.)

KISSINGER: A weakling to the end.

(Kissinger walks off….then stops and comes back…and very carefully kneels down (not wanting to mess his pants)…and blesses himself as the lights fade)