Ernie: Why are we all the way up here in the back again?

Vincent: I told you, I hate being hemmed in. I need space. I always sit back here

Ernie: close to the crapper though

Vincent: I’m glad to see our highbrow surroundings have not adversely affected your eloquence

Ernie: well, it works out too because I may need constant updates on what the fuck is going on. Who are they waiting for again?

Vincent: Godot (pronounced "gah-doe"). It’s the name of the play.

Ernie: Godot? (pronounced "gah-doe")

Vincent: Yes, Godot (pronounced "gah-doe"). Don’t you read your program?

Ernie: I thought it was Godot (pronounced ggggg-doe)?

Vincent: No, Godot (pronounced "gah-doe").

Ernie: I’ve been saying Godot (pronounced ggggg-doe).

Vincent: Well, you are waiting for the wrong one then. I heard somebody on PBS say Godot (pronounced "gah-doe"), so it’s gotta be right.

Ernie: Well, if you saw it on PBS…..when is he coming?

Vincent: Ssh

Ernie: He’d better hurry up. My arse is getting sore.

Vincent: Shhh….

Ernie: Who is this guy then?

Vincent: What guy?

Ernie: This Godot guy

Vincent: I think he’s supposed to represent God

Ernie: God?

Vincent: Um

Ernie: Why not call it "waiting for God" then?

Vincent: that would take the fun out of it

Ernie: are you sure it’s supposed to be God?

Vincent: no, but that seems reasonable. who else would they be waiting for every night?

Ernie: these two putzes? are you kidding? how about a fucking tailor. look at them.

Vincent: sssh…

Ernie: what’s with the hats?

Vincent: the hats?

Ernie: yea, the bowler hats they’re wearing.

Vincent: they are french

Ernie: french?

Vincent: yea, french bowler hats

Ernie: You mean "freedom" bowler hats

Vincent: What?

Ernie: Never mind. I thought this was an Irish play.

Vincent: The guy who wrote it was Irish, but he moved to France.

Ernie: Why?

Vincent: Why?

Ernie: Yes, why did he move to France?

Vincent: I have no idea

Ernie: only french dudes would stand in the middle of the fucking road every night waiting for God. They’ll probably surrender to him if he shows up. I found a french rifle on Ebay….mint condition…..never fired, only dropped once.

Vincent: it’s Godot they are waiting for,

Ernie: you said Godot represented God

Vincent: that is just my interpretation

Ernie: so it may be wrong

Vincent: yes, it could be wrong.

Ernie: I don’t think Godot is God

Vincent: no?

Ernie: no

Vincent: who then?

Ernie: not a who. a what

Vincent: ok, what then?

Ernie: Irish Independence

Vincent: wow, I’m impressed. How did you come up with that?

Ernie: I overheard somebody in the lobby saying it

Vincent: oh

Ernie: if he’s right, no wonder these poor bastards look so ragged

Vincent: it’s as good an interpretation as any I suppose

Ernie: (line from Jeopardy) I think I’ll go for Irish Independence for 500 Alex

Vincent: you’re entitled to your opinion

Ernie: as are you

Vincent: yes

Ernie: so you think he ever shows up?

Vincent: no

Ernie: he doesn’t?

Vincent: of course not

Ernie: how do you know that?

Vincent: this is a famous play

Ernie: so you know what is gonna happen?

Vincent: nothing is gonna happen

Ernie: wha?

Vincent: nothing is gonna happen. whoever they are waiting for never shows up

Ernie: so what the fuck are we still doing here then?

Vincent: it’s a famous play

Ernie: do we at least find out who the dude is?

Vincent: no

Ernie: no?

Vincent: no

Ernie: I am confused

Vincent: you are supposed to be confused

Ernie: I am?

Vincent: of course

Ernie: why would somebody want to confuse me?

Vincent: to make you think

Ernie: I am thinking how many beers I could have had with the twenty dollars I spent on a ticket

Vincent: I’m not sure that’s what the author had in mind, but it’s something at least

Ernie: so you’ve seen this play before?

Vincent: no

Ernie: but you know this Godot dude doesn’t come

Vincent: yes

Ernie: how do you know? maybe he does and you don’t realize it

Vincent: he doesn’t

Ernie: how do you know

Vincent: it’s a famous play. everybody knows how famous plays are gonna end up before they see them

Ernie: I didn’t know until you told me

Vincent: well, now you know. you and everybody else here

Ernie: everybody knows the dude is not gonna show up?

Vincent: of course they do

Ernie: sometimes it’s hard to be an intellectual

Vincent: the whole play is pointless. that’s the point

Ernie: it’s a famous play though

Vincent: so

Ernie: famous plays can’t be pointless

Vincent: sure they can. critics love gray area

Ernie: gray area?

Vincent: yea, shit that isn’t spelled out. that means they can make up their own interpretation. they love that.

Ernie: so pointless is good

Vincent: yes, if you want good reviews. it helps the writer to be a mysterious prick too

Ernie: a mysterious prick?

Vincent: yea, you know, cranky and miserable and aloof

Ernie: why does that help?

Vincent: don’t ask me. I’m not a critic. but it’s true. all critical darlings are pricks.

Ernie: is the dude who wrote this a prick?

Vincent: Beckett?

Ernie: who?

Vincent: Beckett. That is the name of the guy who wrote this.

Ernie: oh. well, is he a prick?

Vincent: he’s dead.

Ernie: that helps too I suppose

Vincent: of course it does. dead mysterious prick writers are the best kind. he was a skinny, cantankerous confusing bastard

Ernie: when did he die?

Vincent: Not sure. Not long ago

Ernie: what?

Vincent: not long ago

Ernie: you mean this is not some eighteenth century shit?

Vincent: no, it came out in the 50s

Ernie: the nineteen fifties? you’re shitting me

Vincent: no

Ernie: somehow I can’t see these dudes hanging out at Arnold’s with Richie and the gang

Vincent: happy days is a 70s show

Ernie: what?

Vincent: it is a 70s show. it wasn’t made in the 50s you know

Ernie: yes, I realize that

Vincent: they were harking back to an earlier time

Ernie: yes, I grasp that point. hey, this is kinda the same thing then yes?

Vincent: what?

Ernie: kinda like happy days?

Vincent: well…

Ernie: I mean, the harking back to an earlier time thing

Vincent: oh

Ernie: cause just because the thing came out in the nineteen fifties doesn’t mean that it’s taking place in the nineteen fifties does it?

Vincent: I suppose not

Ernie: so it could be eighteenth century shit after all then?

Vincent: what is this eighteenth century shit you keep talking about?

Ernie: you know, the confusing old time Shakespeare thing

Vincent: wha?

Ernie: Everybody blabbers on about Shakespeare and how great he is, but that’s only because he’s from another century…and being British doesn’t hurt either. If he wrote that "where for art thou" shit today, people would kick him in the balls

Vincent: that’s a bit harsh

Ernie: nobody knows what the fuck he’s going on about, but nobody has the balls to admit it because he’s supposed to be so brilliant

Vincent: but this play was written in the nineteen fifties

Ernie: so you say

Vincent: it was

Ernie: I know, but it takes place back in Shakespeare time

Vincent: I’m not sure when it takes place

Ernie: look at that set. does that look like modern day Paris to you?

Vincent: what exactly is your point?

Ernie: do I need one?

Vincent: it would help

Ernie: what is Beckett’s point?

Vincent: not sure

Ernie: well then, maybe he didn’t have one either

Vincent: he did have one. he just made it symbolic

Ernie: wha?

Vincent: he deals in symbolism

Ernie: he does?

Vincent: yes

Ernie: well, what does Godot symbolize then?

Vincent: God

Ernie: that is your interpretation

Vincent: yes

Ernie: but you already said it could be the wrong one

Vincent: could be. I don’t know what the man had in mind when he wrote it

Ernie: so he could have been having a big laugh thinking about waiting for the fucking plumber coming over or something?

Vincent: I doubt it. I’m sure he had grand thoughts

Ernie: what makes you say that?

Vincent: he was brilliant

Ernie: brilliant?

Vincent: yes, brilliant. some say the greatest writer of the twentieth century

Ernie: who says that?

Vincent: some critics

Ernie: what do they know. the guy is a fucking ballbuster is all he is. he’s having a big laugh watching us spend twenty dollars to see a play about nothing.

Vincent: he’s dead

Ernie: yes, I know, but he probably died a rich man

Vincent: he did actually. lots of money

Ernie: what did folks say about this when it came out?

Vincent: when?

Ernie: you said it came out in the nineteen fifties

Vincent: it did

Ernie: well?

Vincent: well what?

Ernie: did people call him the greatest writer of the twentieth century then?

Vincent: no, of course not

Ernie: did they call it a work of genius?

Vincent: no, actually, many people walked out and demanded their money back

Ernie: really?

Vincent: yes, I’ve read that. people hated it. they had no idea what it was about. they rioted in the theater and all that theatrical stuff

Ernie: so we are much more enlightened I suppose?

Vincent: wha?

Ernie: why aren’t we walking out and demanding our money back then?

Vincent: I told you…because Beckett is a genius.

Ernie: who says?

Vincent: I told you. The critics

Ernie: what critics?

Vincent: theater critics

Ernie: tell me this….if I wanted to be a theater critic…

Vincent: not bloody likely

Ernie: be that as it may, but lets say that I want to become one, and I write a long column about how fucking insensibly boring Beckett is, and how he’s just been putting us all on these years, what do you think would happen?

Vincent: what do you mean?

Ernie: would I be taken seriously?

Vincent: of course not. people would think you were mad

Ernie: but why?

Vincent: because Beckett is a genius.

Ernie: who says so?

Vincent: the critics

Ernie: but lets pretend I am a critic and I say he’s a wanker

Vincent: it’s too late

Ernie: too late?

Vincent: yes, everybody already said he’s a genius. too late to turn back now and call him a wanker

Ernie: do you think he is a genius?

Vincent: of course

Ernie: why?

Vincent: because if the guy from the New York Times says so, who am I to argue?

Ernie: but what if the guy from the New York Times called him a wanker?

Vincent: if he did, then nobody would be here watching

Ernie: my point exactly!

Vincent: so you DO have a point?

Ernie: sometimes

Vincent: listen. you have to rely on some feedback sometimes. I can’t go and see every play that comes down the pike you know

Ernie: so you have to pick your spots

Vincent: exactly

Ernie: and you figured this Godot thing was a good bet

Vincent: NY Times says so. not every day a classic like this comes to our little town

Ernie: so you are a mindless drone swallowing whatever the New York Times tells you is worthy?

Vincent: essentially, yes. London Times too. Plus, the guy won the Nobel prize too.

Ernie: who did?

Vincent: Beckett

Ernie: for this shit?

Vincent: for his whole body of work really, but this is his most famous work

Ernie: the Nobel Prize?

Vincent: yes, the Nobel prize

Ernie: I thought that was a Jimmy Carter thing

Vincent: that’s the Nobel Peace Prize

Ernie: this is different?

Vincent: yes, it’s the Nobel Prize for literature

Ernie: who votes for that?

Vincent: I suppose critics do

Ernie: naturally. I wish I was a critic. Charles Schultz would win the fucker if I was in charge

Vincent: Charles Schultz?

Ernie: yea, the Peanuts dude

Vincent: the cartoonist?

Ernie: I don’t like your tone

Vincent: I’m just trying to figure out who you are referring to

Ernie: yes, the creator of Charlie Brown and Snoopy. Much better writer than this Godot guy

Vincent: Beckett

Ernie: who?

Vincent: Beckett is the writer. Godot is who the characters are waiting for in the play.

Ernie: the dude who never shows up

Vincent: that’s the one. now you’re getting it

Ernie: well, I’ll take Linus and Lucy over this shit any day. Linus had some interesting shit to say at least. These dudes are just rambling like a couple of homeless vagabonds

Vincent: actually, I think they are homeless vagabonds

Ernie: how do you know?

Vincent: look at how they are dressed

Ernie: maybe their clothes are only symbolic

Vincent: now you’re getting into the spirit of the thing!

Ernie: what else did he write besides this Godot thing?

Vincent: he wrote lots of stuff

Ernie: was it all as fucking deadly dull as this?

Vincent: ssssshh

Ernie: wha?

Vincent: I’m trying to watch this

Ernie: what are they doing now?

Vincent: still waiting

Ernie: for God?

Vincent: no, for Godot

Ernie: oh. so you’re not really missing anything by talking to me then?

Vincent: I suppose not. they do yap a lot though.

Ernie: what are they talking about?

Vincent: I’m not really sure. It’s kinda stream of consciousness

Ernie: stream of who?

Vincent: stream of consciousness. it means rambling off the top of your head…you know, saying whatever comes to mind.

Ernie: lets do that then

Vincent: what?

Ernie: lets do the stream of consciousness thing

Vincent: ok, you start

Ernie: this is fucking deadly dull

Vincent: what is?

Ernie: this Godot thing

Vincent: oh. that’s what came to your head?

Ernie: yes.

Vincent: oh. it’s not really dull you know

Ernie: what?

Vincent: really, it isn’t. it’s kinda funny really

Ernie: what’s funny about it? besides the hats

Vincent: I don’t know, it’s just kinda funny, that’s all….you know, when they talk about hanging themselves from the tree and stuff. it’s funny

Ernie: oh yea, suicide talk is a riot. we’re still doing the stream thing. your turn. whatever comes into your head now…

Vincent: um…

Ernie: cmon now. you don’t see these Godot characters thinking. they just blurt it out…so go ahead

Vincent: don’t rush me

Ernie: thank heaven’s you’re not in one of these Beckett plays

Vincent: quiet, I’m thinking

Ernie: you’re not supposed to think, you are supposed to say whatever comes into your mind

Vincent: I’m thirsty

Ernie: wha?

Vincent: I am thirsty. That’s what I’m thinking

Ernie: go get a drink

Vincent: can’t now

Ernie: why?

Vincent: might miss something

Ernie: are you serious?

Vincent: you never know

Ernie: you already know the dude is not coming. go get a fucking soda

Vincent: no

Ernie: (noticing something onstage) what the hell is that?

Vincent: that’s pozzo and lucky

Ernie: who?

Vincent: pozzo and lucky. don’t you read your program. they’ve been onstage for a while now. you missed the big entrance.

Ernie: I thought it was just the two dudes blabbering.

Vincent: you thought wrong. deep shit going on here.

Ernie: why does that dude have a rope around his neck? Holy shit, he called him "pig"!

Vincent: yes

Ernie: what is that all about

Vincent: more symbolism

Ernie: great. what is this guy supposed to represent? the republican party?

Vincent: man’s inhumanity to man

Ernie: that’s what I said. the republican party. I’m getting tired of symbols. Is this thing almost over?

Vincent: First act will be ending soon

Ernie: what did you say?

Vincent: I said the first act will be ending soon

Ernie: there is another fucking act?

Vincent: yes

Ernie: I’ve been sitting here for 90 minutes

Vincent: so you should be all settled in then

Ernie: but you told me that Godot never comes

Vincent: he doesn’t

Ernie: well what happens in the second act?

Vincent: nothing, they just wait some more

Ernie: does either of them die?

Vincent: no

Ernie: get laid?

Vincent: nope

Ernie: what then?

Vincent: I told you. Nothing. They just wait for Godot. Now I’m not gonna answer any more questions about the second act. I’m gonna spoil it for you.

Ernie: god forbid

Vincent: there, the first act is over

Ernie: now you can get a drink without missing any spellbinding action

Vincent: yes, I can. would you like anything?

Ernie: how about a handgun?

Vincent: sorry (Vincent gets up to go, and onstage comes one of the actors from the play ("Vladimir"), who is rushing during the intermission to get to the bathroom, which is near where our heroes are sitting)

Ernie: holy shit! it’s Godot or Beckett or whatever

Vincent: It’s Vladimir actually.

Ernie: how are you Vladimir?

Vladimir: I am fine, thank you. Sorry, I didn’t think anybody was up here. Just have to run to the washroom.

Ernie: fair play to you. we all have to go eventually, even actors I suppose

(he tries to get around them, but Ernie blocks his path)

Ernie: tell me….

Vladimir: yes?

Ernie: who is this Godot fellow?

Vladimir: I’m sorry?

Vincent: Ernie, let the man pee

Ernie: I’m just interested on your take of this play

Vladimir: my take?

Ernie: yes, do you like the play?

Vladimir: I love it. It’s a classic

Vincent: (to Ernie) see, I told you

Ernie: yea yea, I heard all that. but what do you think about it?

Vladimir: I love it

Ernie: why?

Vladimir: it’s a great play

Ernie: why is it a great play?

Vladimir: it’s wonderfully written..and explores universal themes eloquently

Ernie: what universal themes?

Vladimir: excuse me?

Ernie: what themes that are universal does it explore

Vincent: Eloquently. He said that too. (to Vladimir) you’ll have to excuse my friend. this is his first taste of Beckett

Vladimir: confused are you?

Ernie: I’m not sure that word is strong enough. There is nothing fucking going on up there. You must be bored out of your mind

Vladimir: actually, I’ve played this role a bunch of times, and I never get bored

Ernie: no?

Vladimir: no

Ernie: why not?

Vladimir: because Beckett is a genius that’s why…no if you’ll excuse me I have to…

Ernie: wait a minute there bub

Vincent: bub?

Ernie: you never answered my question

Vincent: did you ask a question?

Vladimir: did you ask a question?

Ernie: I think so. Who the fuck is Godot anyway

Vladimir: nobody really knows

Ernie: well you’re fucking waiting for him. surely you do?

Vladimir: well, it’s very symbolic you see

Vincent: I told you

Ernie: yea yea….ok….then tell me who or what this Godot symbolizes then

Vladimir: who or what do you think Godot symbolizes?

Ernie: well, Neil Simon here thinks he is God, and I think it’s Irish Independence because I heard some guy who looked really smart say that in the lobby. But since the guy who wrote it….

Vincent: Becket…

Ernie: …yea, Becket. Since he is French now I wonder why he would give a shit about Irish Independence. If he really cared he’d be still living in Ireland fighting in the IRA instead of writing this pansy stuff in Paris. So…God or Irish independence? Or maybe French Independence?

Vincent: Um….the French are independent

Ernie: Really? 

Vincent: Yes, I believe so. Last I checked anyway.

Ernie: I thought the Germans were running that place?

Vincent: They were during the war…but we liberated them.

Ernie: Liberated the German’s?

Vincent: Well….you could look at it that was too I suppose….

Vladimir: hmmm. well, could be either you know. well, gotta run, another act…

Ernie: so what happens in the second act then?

Vincent: let the man piss for god’s sake!

Ernie: I will, just give me a rundown on what to expect. Any action?

Vladimir: action?

Ernie: yea, action. you know, car crashes, nudity, a little kung fu?

Vladimir: no sorry.

Ernie: just more of the same waiting around and blabbering bit?

Vladimir: yes, I’m afraid so….much like what we’re doing right now…now if you’ll excuse me…

Ernie: sure sure, go ahead there lucky

Vincent: actually, he is Vladimir. Lucky is the dog

Ernie: there is no dog in the play

Vincent: the one with the collar around his neck

Ernie: the pig?

Vincent: yes, he calls him a pig, but he’s supposed to be a dog

Ernie: (to Vladimir) is that right? he’s supposed to be a dog

Vladimir: um…

Ernie: you don’t know?

Vladimir: well….

Vincent: interesting

Ernie: cmon, stream of consciousness now

Vladimir: sorry?

Ernie: you know, just say what comes to your mind like in the play

Vladimir: I have to pee

Ernie: you’re much better at that in the play than in real life

Vladimir: sorry?

Vincent: (to Ernie) leave the man alone

Ernie: is he really a man then?

Vincent: wha?

Ernie: in the play, is he a man, or does he symbolize something else?

Vincent: what are you asking me for? he’s standing right here. He oughtta know

Ernie: well?

Vladimir: well what?

Ernie: what are you supposed to be?

Vladimir: I’m not sure I follow

Ernie: you said the play is full of symbolism

Vladimir: yes

Ernie: how do I know when something is real and when something is symbolic? how do I know you’re supposed to be a man? maybe you symbolize a carrot or something…

Vincent: stream of consciousness now Vladimir

Ernie: well?

Vladimir: how the fuck do I know! I’m just an actor who needs to pee for Christ sake!!

Ernie: well if you don’t know, how is the audience supposed to know then?

Vladimir: ask the author

Vincent: can’t

Ernie: yea, he’s gone and died on us. so now what do we do eh?

Vladimir: Maybe the second act will answer some of you questions. Now if you’ll excuse….

Ernie: look comrade….

Vincent: comrade?

Ernie: Vladimir ain’t French

Vincent: Never thought of that. What do you have to say for yourself comrade?

Vladimir: are you mad?

Ernie: No comrade. Just confused. When was this play written?

Vincent: 1950s

Ernie: Cold War time eh?

Vladimir: cold what?

Vincent: Now we’re getting somewhere!

Vladimir: It’s nearly time for curtain

Ernie: Iron curtain no doubt eh comrade?

Vladimir: Look. I have no idea what you are talking about. My name is Bill Smith and I’m a carpenter from Avoca who dabbles in acting. I got offered this part and took it because the money is ok. I have no fucking idea what is going on on that stage. I just memorize my lines and try not to get yelled at by the director.

Ernie: But you said Beckett was a genius

Vladimir: Who?

Vincent: The writer of the play. You called him a genius

Vladimir: Well isn’t he?

Vincent: I think so, but Ernie here has his doubts

Vladimir: Well, the general rule seems to be that if I don’t understand what any of my dialog means, then the writer is a genius

Ernie: My point exactly. Have you ever played Shakespeare?

Vladimir: a few times

Ernie: any idea what is going on there?

Vladimir: None

Ernie: (to Vincent) See?

Vincent: see what?

Ernie: Me and comrade pig here agree

Vladimir: Hey!

Ernie: Sorry. The pig is symbolic anyway.

Vincent: Agree on what?

Ernie: That this Beckett dude is a wanker

Vladimir: And Shakespeare too.

Ernie: Yea….the bard is a wanker too

Vincent: I had no idea a night at the theater could be so illuminating

Ernie: Got your 20 bucks worth that’s for sure. (to Vincent) Still thirsty?

Vincent: (delivered like "does a bear shit in the woods") Is Beckett confusing?

Ernie: Lets go get a belt. How about it Vladimir?

Vladimir: Why not. Nothing happens in the second act anyway. Just let me pee first.
 

End of Play