(Lights up. Bartender alone in bar….cleaning the bar with a rag. There are 6 stools at the bar, 3 to the right, the 3 to the left, with a large space between each set of 3. From the audience, the left side of the stage is dimly lit….the chairs seem to be a bit worn. The right side is lit better….and the chairs seem to be newer. Two men come in from offstage, making small talk. The Republican is dressed like a preppy.....the Democrat like more like a construction worker. In other words....cliches abound in their attire. The bartender looks.....well......like a bartender.)

BARTENDER: Afternoon gentlemen…

REPUBLICAN: Hello..

DEMOCRAT: How are you.

REPUBLICAN: Can we get a couple of Coors Lights?

BARTENDER: Republicans or Democrats?

REPUBLICAN: Excuse me?

BARTENDER: Are you Republicans or Democrats?

DEMOCRAT: (mad) Who wants to know?

BARTENDER: (calmly) Well, I’m asking…..so I guess I want to know.

REPUBLICAN: It’s really none of your…..

BARTENDER: (interrupting) Listen chaps…..this is a non-partisan bar. No politics of any kind allowed in here.

DEMOCRAT: We’re just looking to have a beer.

BARTENDER: Uh-huh….that’s what they all say. Listen, you can have your beer as soon as you answer my question. I like to put a stop to trouble before it starts in here.

REPUBLICAN: (yelling) There’s not going to be any trouble!!!!

BARTENDER: You’re a Republican aren’t you?

REPUBLICAN: What?

BARTENDER: Republicans are always the first to raise their voice in a bar, but when the fists start flying they're whimpering under the tables and the Democrats do their fighting for them.

REPUBLICAN: Well….as a matter of fact I am a Republican....and I resent...

DEMOCRAT: (interupting, laughing) I do his fighting

BARTENDER: So you're a mixed couple then?

REPUBLICAN: I don't like the sound of that!!

BARTENDER: (deadpan) I'm shocked.

DEMOCRAT: Yea…I’m a....er.....

REPUBLICAN: He's an infidel.

BARTENDER: (to Democrat) Have a hard time saying the word do you?

DEMOCRAT: No. I can say it. I'm a Demm-----Demmmma---

REPUBLICAN: (interupting) He's like Fonzie trying to say "wrong". Wwwwwrrrrroo

DEMOCRAT: I'm a Democrat. See? I can say it. Just had something stuck in my throat.

REPUBLICAN: Yea....crow.(laughs at his own joke)

BARTENDER: That's very good. You've conquered the 1st step in a 12 step program. Admitting that you have a problem and are powerless over the democratic party...

REPUBLICAN: Losers anonymous (laughs)

BARTENDER: You boys came in together?

REPUBLICAN: We’re friends.

BARTENDER: That’s nice. I like to see democracy on the march.

DEMOCRAT: (getting impatient) Can we order now?

BARTENDER: Oh yes…sorry. (Bartender sets napkins down on the bar….one on the left side…and the other on the right side. He then gets only 1 Coors Light and puts it in front of the "right side")

REPUBLICAN: What are you doing?

BARTENDER: What?

DEMOCRAT: Can’t we sit….er…..next to each other at least?

BARTENDER: No no…not in here…no.

REPUBLICAN: What? Why not?

BARTENDER: Because one of you is a Republican and the other is a Ddddddeeeemocrat…..I already told you there’s no politics allowed in this bar……now look I don’t want any trouble.

DEMOCRAT: You’re not going to get any trouble. We’re friends!

BARTENDER: Yea…

DEMOCRAT: (noticing that he never got his beer) Um….can I have a Coors Light too?

BARTENDER: No…actually you can’t. 

REPUBLICAN: Why can’t he?

BARTENDER: (to Republican) You are a feisty one aren't you? Well….as I’m sure you’re aware….the Coors family are very conservative Republicans from Colorado...you know.....God's chosen people….and a Democrat drinking a Coors could be misconstrued.

REPUBLICAN: Miscontrued how?

BARTENDER: Maybe some sort of protest or something. It's imflammatory.

DEMOCRAT: (almost to himself) I never knew that about Coors.

REPUBLICAN: Who fucking cares? He can’t drink the beer he wants?

BARTENDER: Watch the language in here fella. You sound like an unemployed Democrat.

REPUBLICAN: (laughing) Is there another kind?

DEMOCRAT: What?

REPUBLICAN: Forget it...

DEMOCRAT: (baffled) What kind of place is this?

BARTENDER: (suddenly furious) It’s MY place….and I can set the rules in my place. You want to regulate me too there Mr. John F LBJ?! This is a quiet little corner pub, and I won’t have it turn into an episode of Crossfire!

DEMOCRAT: Can I get a Budweiser then?

BARTENDER: (instantly calmed down) Oh no…..the Anheuser-Busch family out of St. Louis are God's chosen ones too. I don’t want any trouble.

REPUBLICAN: Well what can he order then?

BARTENDER: He can have Guinness……the Irish terrorist….democratic rabble rouser thing…..very safe.

DEMOCRAT: All right….I’ll have a Guinness then.

BARTENDER: Coming up….(he gets a Guinness…puts it in front of his setting on the left side)

REPUBLICAN: Can I get a Guinness too if I want one?

BARTENDER: (snapping) Why don’t you be a good Bible thumper and drink your Coors, Moses!

DEMOCRAT: (jumping in to difuse) I’ll get this first round.

BARTENDER: What?

DEMOCRAT: Here (handing him money)….for the first round.

BARTENDER: You’re a Democrat buying for a Republican?

DEMOCRAT: So?

BARTENDER: Look pal…..maybe you didn’t hear me the first time. This is a non-partisan pub. You get me?

REPUBLICAN: How is him paying for my beer partisan?

BARTENDER: (to Republican) I’m surprised he has any money left in your booming economy!

REPUBLICAN: That’s not fair!

DEMOCRAT: Yea…..I haven’t lost my job.....yet anyway.

BARTENDER: Oh really? Well maybe you went into your closet and prayed hard enough and God gave you a break. Or have you Democrats made praying illegal entirely?

(Republican laughs at this….and his democratic friend gives him a dirty look)

REPUBLICAN: So we pay for our own drinks then?

BARTENDER: Well, I wouldn’t expect Mr. Big Shot corporate Republican to pick up the tab for the downtrodden.

DEMOCRAT: (laughs) I actually make more money than he does.

BARTENDER: Yea….until all your taxes kick in and your take home pay looks like an office supply reimbursement check.

(Republican laughs at this are bartender collects money from both men….and they sit apart from each other…)

REPUBLICAN: (smugly) Coors costs less.

BARTENDER: You republicans are so fiscally responsible. Funny about the deficit though.....

REPUBLICAN: Guiness costs twice what this costs.

BARTENDER: Why should he (pointng to the Dem) care? It's the government's money the deadbeat is spending anyway eh?

DEMOCRAT: What?

BARTENDER: Enjoy gentlemen....and don't spill it on my nice clean floor.

(bartender takes a step back.....and everybody is wary now. there is a few moments of silence)

REPUBLICAN: Well…..this is nice.

DEMOCRAT: (drinks his Guinness) Ahhhh…..good liberal beer.

BARTENDER: Watch it fella!

DEMOCRAT: Sorry.

REPUBLICAN: Er…..(to bartender) Can we talk at all?

BARTENDER: Sure you can. Just no politics.

REPUBLICAN: Fair enough…(quiet for a moment…then speaks to his friend). How’s Mary?

BARTENDER: (butting in) Hey hey….none of that family values crap in here!

REPUBLICAN: (indignant) Mary is his wife!

BARTENDER: (sarcastic) I’m sure. If she was his mistress you hypocrites would have stoned her already.

DEMOCRAT: (mad) We’ve been married for 10 years.

BARTENDER: Really? Any kids….or did you abort them all?

REPUBLICAN: Now you’re way outta line!

BARTENDER: (bitter) Sorry…."Mr Pubic Hair on my Coke" for the Supreme Court.

(Republican instinctively checks his beer)

DEMOCRAT: We can’t talk about our families?

BARTENDER: You can talk about anything…..just don’t politicize it. I hate politics.

DEMOCRAT: (A pause as they gather themselves again....and then to his friend again…wary) The kids just started back to school.

(they both look to the bartender….who moans to himself but says nothing)

REPUBLICAN: Jessica is going into 1^st grade right?

DEMOCRAT: Yea. I cried her first day. 

REPUBLICAN: You cry about everything. 

BARTENDER: (laughs to himself, barely audible) Pussy liberal..

REPUBLICAN: (continues) Where’d you send her?

BARTENDER: (snappish) Alright, move on. No education debates here.

DEMOCRAT: He just asked what school…

BARTENDER: I know what he asked. Next he’ll be ramming through legislation to force your little girl to pray before she squats to pee.

DEMOCRAT: A bit of a sterotype isn’t it?

BARTENDER: (exasperated) Oh God…….the inevitable Democratic lecture on what’s wrong with the world and how only they can fix it.....

(Republican laughs)

DEMOCRAT: No no….no lectures. We’ll move on. Maybe we can watch some TV?

BARTENDER: Depends what’s on.

REPUBLICAN: Yankee game?

BARTENDER: Republicans. Guliani turned ‘em all in 2001 with that fake cop singing the national anthem.

DEMOCRAT: Red Sox?

BARTENDER: Chappaquiddick Democrats.

REPUBLICAN: Not Curt Schilling.

BARTENDER: What?

REPUBLICAN: Schilling stumped for Bush after the Red Sox won the series.

DEMOCRAT: (laughing) Only a Republican would paint his sock red so everybody would think he was bleeding.

BARTENDER: That's the closest a Republican can get to a war wound

(Democrat laughs)

REPUBLICAN: (annoyed) I guess watching the actual news is out?

BARTENDER: Find me a newscaster not foaming at the mouth one way or another and I’ll turn it on.

DEMOCRAT: I have to pee.

BARTENDER: You don't need my permission.

REPUBLICAN: No...he needs mine. (he laughs manically at this....completely over the top with his party's current power.... and the bartender laugh as the dem goes to pee....he motions to the bartender to tell him which door to go to)

BARTENDER: The one on the left of course. (dem exits)

REPUBLICAN: He leans any further to the left he's gonna give Eugene Debs the creeps.

BARTENDER: (yelling towards the bathroom) And don't steal my condoms! (the bartender and republican laugh)

(saliciously) I hope he can find it. 

REPUBLICAN: Liberals have no balls. There's nothing to find 

BARTENDER: (pause.....then after a moment...leaning forward and almost whispering) You know I'm really a conservative don't you? I'm on your side. Just playing along here.....

REPUBLICAN: Yea I know. I could tell all along....but liberals are too dumb to know when they're being made fun of.

(they laugh again. a moment later the dem comes back)

BARTENDER: Everything come out alright? You didn't find anything in there to call the ACLU about did you? (he and the repub share another laugh....and now the republican gets up to go. bartender motions to him) To the right! 

(republican exits)

DEMOCRAT: He leans any further to the right he'll have to lay down to piss. (they both snicker at this as republican goes)

BARTENDER: I hope he can find it.

DEMOCRAT: Conservatives have no balls. There's nothing to find.

BARTENDER: (pause.....then after a moment...leaning forward and almost whispering) You know I'm really a liberal don't you? I'm on your side. Just playing along here.....

DEMOCRAT: Yea I know. I could tell all along....but conservatives are too dumb to know when they're being made fun of.

(they share a laugh. the repub comes back)

BARTENDER: You didn't slap any Mel Gibson pictures on my walls did you?

REPUBLICAN: On those filthy walls? That would be sacrilegious. (grandly) Now the tank is empty and I'm ready for another round.

DEMOCRAT: Don't need one yet.

BARTENDER: (to Republican) You guys order beers the same way you do F-16s

(Democrat laughs and Bartender turns to him....)....

.....and you guys would complain about the cost if the planes were made of copper pennies.

(now the Republican laughs)

REPUBLICAN: Ok...I'll wait until Alice is done with his IRA sponsored terrorist beer.

BARTENDER: (to the Republican) The least he can do is offer to pay…..being one of the few of his kind actually employed eh?

(they laugh at the Democrat’s expense. Two more beers are brought over. A Coors Light and a Guinness)

DEMOCRAT: (to the bartender) So, how’s business?

BARTENDER: It’s good right now. You guys are here.

REPUBLICAN: I notice nobody else is.

BARTENDER: I didn’t think you were capable of noticing poverty.

(Democrat laughs)

REPUBLICAN: Maybe if you let people talk politics you’d do better business.

BARTENDER: People turn into babbling idiots when they talk politics….and I choose not to exploit idiocy for my own financial gain.

REPUBLICAN: (impressed) Wow, you sound like self righteous Democrat.

BARTENDER: (indignant) Don't call me a loser!

DEMOCRAT: Sure…if he was a Republican he’d exploit idiocy and his own mother for financial gain.

BARTENDER: My point, once again…is made without me having to say a word.

REPUBLICAN: (retreating) Sorry.

DEMOCRAT: Yea…sorry..really. No politics. It’s a good rule.

(bartender retreats some…and conversation starts up again)

DEMOCRAT: So how is Debbie feeling these days?

(bartender grunts…shifts uncomfortably but says nothing)

REPUBLICAN: She’s doing good. Everything checked out fine.

DEMOCRAT:Your insurance gonna pick all that up….(he stops and bangs his head on the bar…knowing that this is gonna get him in trouble).

BARTENDER: (incredulous) You know….this is why bars have bouncers. 

DEMOCRAT: Sorry, I was just….

REPUBLICAN: You were just what?

DEMOCRAT: What?

REPUBLICAN: You were trying to figure out how shitty my health insurance was weren’t you?

DEMOCRAT: No…I was asking about Debbie.

REPUBLICAN: For your information, my insurance covered everything!

BARTENDER: Really?

REPUBLICAN: Yes.

BARTENDER: Does she need any prescription medication?

REPUBLICAN: (not getting it) Yea…

BARTENDER: Does it cover all that too?

DEMOCRAT: (piling on) Yea…how’s that prescription plan doing there Dubya? Or are you riding on the Canadian Greyhound Express?

REPUBLICAN: I can handle it. I earn enough…

BARTENDER: Of course you do.....because God loves you more.

DEMOCRAT: Born with a silver spoon.

BARTENDER: (to dem...mad now) And you were born a lazy corrupt Democratic dock monkey!

DEMOCRAT: Excuse me?

BARTENDER: He’s entitled to his money isn’t he? I mean….he worked for it. I don’t mean work in the real work sense…..more like the water cooler clicky click of the computer sense. He doesn’t look like he’s ever done a day of real work in his life.

DEMOCRAT: It’d ruin his manicure.

REPUBLICAN: Hey…it’s my money.

BARTENDER: (pointing to dem) He thinks you should give it to him.

DEMOCRAT: I do not!

BARTENDER: You’d tax the words coming out of his mouth if you could get away with it. And that’s not such a bad idea they way Republicans blabber all the time eh? You could tax by the word and erase the deficit. Probably have a surplus if you doubled that tax every time they lied.

(Democrat laughs)

DEMOCRAT: Well, there’s only 2 ways to get money out of a Republican….tell him to ante up for tanks….or tax him.

BARTENDER: (to Democrat) Make sure you skim some of that tax money for your corrupt union friends so you can visit the Industrial states and act like you know what it's like to be a coal miner. You do everything but rub coal dust on your face.

(Republican laughs out loud)

(to Democrat....pointing to the Republican) He’ll pay for M-16s but not to help out unemployed mothers.

REPUBLICAN: (hitting where it hurts now) Now wait just a minute!

DEMOCRAT: He actually makes a point of stepping on homeless people on the street instead of walking over them.

BARTENDER: Sure. And you make a point to drop some money in his cup as long as the crowd is big enough to see you doing it.

(Republican laughs)

DEMOCRAT: That’s not true!

REPUBLICAN: As soon as the homeless guy gets a job and moves into your neighborhood, then you become conservative. And if he happens to be black you move first and then become conservative.

DEMOCRAT: (contemptuous) What job is he gonna get?

BARTENDER: (fanning the flames) He could clean Wal-Mart’s floors but I believe they offload that job to Mexico.

DEMOCRAT: (confused and impressed) How can they send cleaning jobs to Mexico?

BARTENDER: They bring in illegals and lock 'em in broom closets....so it's sorta the same thing.

DEMOCRAT: Oh....that's right. Nobody ever said they weren't clever.

BARTENDER: (attacking again) Sure....you and your union buddies would charge $30 an hour to mop the floors.

DEMOCRAT: Now that's not....

REPUBLICAN: (interrupting) Listen.....they have the same opportunities as I had….

BARTENDER: (cuts him off) You’re not gonna delve into the Republican stock "pull yourselves up by your own bootstrap" speeches are you? God…that thing is as old as Lincoln. What if he can’t pull himself up by his bootstraps because he can’t afford boots?

REPUBLICAN: What?

DEMOCRAT: Yea….why do you hate poor people so much?

REPUBLICAN: Why are you such a pussy?

BARTENDER: (with relish) Here we go!

REPUBLICAN: Somebody drives a plane up your ass and you wanna call the UN? What are they gonna do, send Al Qaeda an olive branch?

DEMOCRAT: You could start by attacking the right country. That might help. Check a map next time dumbass.

REPUBLICAN: Sure. But when a nuclear warhead finds it’s way into your Save the Liberal Whale meeting…you’ll be crying for us to protect you.

BARTENDER: (piling on with an aside) Democrats don’t cry….they whine.

DEMOCRAT: What are you gonna do to protect me? Ban gay marriage? Gee thanks, I feel safer already. Those lesbians across the street looked dangerous to me.

REPUBLICAN: What’s next? San Francisco mayor gonna be marrying a man and a Labrador? You’ll be asking for unemployment benefits for the pooch too I suppose.

BARTENDER: You’ll be stepping on unemployed Labradors in the street now eh?

DEMOCRAT: Hey solider boy. There's a war going on, don't you have some bunker to hide in or something? Go salute your Joe McCarthy pic, roll yourself in the flag, and read your rapture books.

REPUBLICAN: At least I can sleep knowing that we won’t be taken over by the French in the morning!

DEMOCRAT: I’ll rest easy knowing that Cameroon is part of the coalition of the willing. And whatever you do...(echoing the much mocked Bush quote) "Don't forget Poland!"

REPUBLICAN: Go put on your Don Henley records and save Walden Pond you faggot.

DEMOCRAT: Homophobe.

REPUBLICAN: Pinko.

DEMOCRAT: Warmonger.

REPUBLICAN: Appeaser.

DEMOCRAT: Boo!

REPUBLICAN: (confused) What?

DEMOCRAT: Boo!

REPUBLICAN: What are you doing?

DEMOCRAT: I'm doing my impersonation of a republican talking about social security. Boo!

REPUBLICAN: Oh please. FDR is dead and broke. It's time you boys got out of the taxidermy business.

BARTENDER: (loving this...anything to egg them on) You boys ready for another drink?

DEMOCRAT: (angry, spits it out) Sure, I got some welfare benefits buring a hole in my pocket.

REPUBLICAN: (even angrier) I was gonna use this 5 dollar bill to light my cigar, but I’ll use my gold lighter instead and have one more.

(bartender gets them another drink as they simmer)

BARTENDER: This one is on me.

DEMOCRAT: You sure? You could use the business it looks like.

BARTENDER: What a nice liberal thing to say.

REPUBLICAN: (to the Dem, speaking of the Bartender) Let him buy it. It shows he’s loyal to his customers.

BARTENDER: Both of you are complete idiots….you’re aware of that right?

DEMOCRAT: (matter of factly) Well….only when we’re together.

REPUBLICAN: Yea…..we’re fine on our own.

DEMOCRAT: My dad was a CEO actually.

REPUBLICAN: Any my brother is gay.

DEMOCRAT: Did you stone him?

REPUBLICAN: Not recently...no.

BARTENDER: I suppose that's progress......

REPUBLICAN: (raises his glass) We're the party of unity. 

DEMOCRAT: Yea...Cheney hasn't told a Democrat to fuck off in a few months at least.

BARTENDER: So things are looking up then.(to Republican now) In this sudden cease fire, say something nice about DDDDDeeemcocrats.

REPUBLICAN: Well, just off the top of my head I don't think a Kennedy has been arrested in a few weeks at least.

BARTENDER: Does that include extended family too? Cousins, In Laws?

REPUBLICAN: Er....no. Just the Kennedy's and their kids.

DEMOCRAT: Yea, you can't cast too wide of a net. That's not fair.

(they all nod in agreement)

BARTENDER: This is nice. I feel a group hug coming on...

REPUBLICAN: Um....can we have another drink first?

DEMOCRAT: Yea....he might catch AIDS if he hugs a liberal.

REPUBLICAN: (insulted and mad again) You and your gay friends always have to ruin the moment!

DEMOCRAT: (sarcastic) Watch out, he's gonna call in the 700 Club brownshirts!

REPUBLICAN: Oh go burn the flag!

DEMOCRAT: Sieg Heil!

REPUBLICAN: Go sing the Fish Cheer!

DEMOCRAT: Somebody has to. You guys have Country Joe at Guantanamo Bay don't you?

BARTENDER: (jumping in) Right next to Cat Osama Bin Stevens.

REPUBLICAN: (furious, gets up to get away for a bit) I have to pee again.

BARTENDER: Don't go in there. Even looking at a condom dispenser can send you to hell. (quick aside the the dem) I put 'em on their side too. Drives 'em nuts.

(Democrat laughs out loud. He's loving this)

(turning on the Dem now) What are you laughing at baby killer? You'd swear you guys were using them as balloons.

REPUBLICAN: (seeing his chance again) Yea....for guys that give away condoms with snoopy lunch boxes you guys seem to have a hard time using them. What's the matter? Vast right wing conspriacy putting pin holes holes in 'em all to keep the clinics open?

DEMOCRAT: Now you're out of line.....

BARTENDER: (turning the table again) Maybe instead of teaching 'em how to use condoms you're telling the kids that Darwin is a repressed homo with an axe to grind.

(Democrat laughs again)

REPUBLICAN: Now wait just a minute....

BARTENDER: (suddenly laughing) You guys are like silly putty in my hands. This is way too easy. But at least you’re not independents. They’re the worst. When Nader's minions come in here they usually trash the place. Once they get started they're nothing you can do to control them.

DEMOCRAT: (calming down now) Yea.....I guess I can see why you have the no politics rule.

REPUBLICAN: It’s so divisive really.

DEMOCRAT: You don’t really enforce the ban all that well though….

REPUBLICAN: Yea…it’s kinda like you encouraged us to go at it.

BARTENDER: Really?

DEMOCRAT: Yea.

BARTENDER: Well, I get bored sometimes I guess.

REPUBLICAN: Tell me….who'd you vote for?

BARTENDER: We don’t discuss politics in here.

DEMOCRAT: Cmon! Tell us.

BARTENDER: Elvis.

REPUBLICAN: Presley?

BARTENDER: No...Stoyko. Of course Presley. Every 4 years I write him in.

DEMOCRAT: Why?

BARTENDER: Why? Because Elvis is the King that's why. We need a king. Presidents have done enough damage. "Suspicious Minds" is like a blueprint for what you assholes have done. You ought to listen to it.

DEMOCRAT: I know that song.

REPUBLICAN: Never heard it. 

BARTENDER: (bitterly to Republican) The only time you listen to rock and roll you're playing it backwards.

DEMOCRAT: (mockingly sings Judas Priest) "Breaking the law Breaking the law"

REPUBLICAN: Now that one I know.....

DEMOCRAT: (to Republican) I bet he doesn’t vote at all.

REPUBLICAN: Yea…probably one of those that just bitch and bitch but can’t get off their fat can to get to the polls.

DEMOCRAT: Yea.....and he's white so it's not like you guys could stop him if he really wanted to vote.

REPUBLICAN: (indignant) What are you inferring "Mr. Vote Early and Often?"

DEMOCRAT: If you don’t vote it gives you carte blance to attack everybody.

REPUBLICAN: Isn’t that French?

DEMOCRAT: What?

REPUBLICAN: Carte Blance.

DEMOCRAT: You gonna attack my patriotism again?

REPUBLICAN: Just curious cheese eater.

DEMOCRAT: It means "blank check"….kinda like what you asked Congress for to fight your little war of the roses. 

REPUBLICAN: (ignoring the taunt, taking a smug chug of beer) Ask and ye shall receive.

DEMOCRAT: Whatever happened to those roses you were supposed to be showered with anyway?

REPUBLICAN: Takes a while to grow roses in that heat. Intelligence didn't take that into consideration.

DEMOCRAT: It helps if the people you're asking for your war money walk around with a bible in one hand and a gun in the other....

REPUBLICAN: That it does my liberal pinko friend. Your strategy to win the hearts and minds of the voters by calling them stupid has been working wonders. Perhaps you can get Howard Dean to run in 2008 and have another nervous breakdown on national TV. I don't think I ever thanked you for that early Christmas gift.

BARTENDER: (hard to refute this....but he tries) At least he didn't ride around in an tank wearing an army helmet like Dukakis in 88.

REPUBLICAN: Well, for Democrats that's considered progress.

DEMOCRAT: Damn right. (takes a long drink)

(They toast)

REPUBLICAN: (raises his glass) Hey barkeep....another round in the name of bi-partisan fear and loathing. (pauses a moment....but he can't resist the zinger and delivers it with gusto) And hurry up before he goes off and pulls somebody's feeding tube!

DEMOCRAT: (instantly riled up.....ready to pounce) We'll make sure they die slow so you have time to get pictures into your fundraising brochures.

BARTENDER: Oooh...I like where this is going....

REPUBLICAN: (to dem) You elitist sonofabitch!

DEMOCRAT: (to repub) Hypocritical bastard!

(suddenly they lunge at each other's throats.....rolling around the ground like a couple of WWE wrestlers. The BARTENDER watches them for a time....seemingly unconcerned. He cleans up the bar....and pockets the money left on it. Then he comes around front....stepping over the 2 men fighting.....and....striking a grand oratorial pose......addresses the audience....)

BARTENDER: "I am quite sure now that in matters concerning politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."

(relaxes the pose now)

Mark Twain said that boys and girls....and he figured it out without even owning a bar. Smart man he was.

(pauses a moment.....watching the fight for a bit)

What I've just brought you is a public service announcement of sorts. I trust you've had as much fun watching it as I've had instigating it.

I had a bit of an off day today actually. Generally it doesn't take me this long to get them to come to blows. So I apologize if you were getting restless.

(watches them again)

Look at them. Neither with the sense to lead a monkey to a banana raffle.

Churchill said that the best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the 
average voter.

(looks at them and points..)

I am fairly certain the founding fathers never thought....um (pauses for the right words)......this far ahead.

And as long as we're quoting people......I remember something Harry Truman said too....

"Whenever a fellow tells me he is bipartisan I know he is going to vote against me." 

Maybe that's why my bar is so.....magnetic.

(watches them again)

When they both kill each other.....you're free to join me for a nightcap.

Whatever will we talk about?
 

End of Play